2024-11-13: south

i've moved.

i'm here for the next month & i'll be traveling further south in december. i'm really stressed out. school has been kicking my ass & my brain has too. i'm trying so hard not to dwell on being upset and mope around. i went for a walk today & it was really beautiful out (late 60s and slightly windy), but all i could think about was calculus. which is probably kinda sad. and all i could think about was the amount of work i should be doing that i don't do & how i'm not setting myself up for the future by my inactivity now......but i really don't know what to do

i want so much for myself but i'm so tired, so sad, so angry, always stressed, and i have no means to destress. i just sit and stare at the wall and daydream. i guess. i hate sounding like a broken record with my mental health & it makes me sad that i still am always consistently feeling this way, but maybe it'll make me stronger in the long run (maybe?).

my dad has noticed i am losing weight but i'm kinda sad about it

i don't know how to stop burning myself out......the things i once found fun aren't really fun anymore. i feel like i repeat this everyday. i wonder if i feel that way because i'm telling myself it's not fun; but that probably isn't it. because the amount of rage i feel when i try to write or draw or play guitar is really not normal, and the stress i feel whenever i try to code or work on math is debilitating, and i know things will get better but they are very difficult right now.

2024-11-09: site anniversary

happy one year anniversary to 410.neocities.org (formerly kengo.neocities.org, formerly aubr.neocities.org, chronically changing & never to stop)!

this site has been there for me as an escape/means of documenting myself for this past year, and i really hope it continues for years to come. creating my personal website + finding neocities as a whole sparked a programming passion in me.......having an "internet home" (as everyone words it) like this to fall back on has been of great value to me.

whether you've been checking up on my existential diary entries from the beginning, reading my visual novel reviews (that i keep feeling the need to rewrite), or just visited once to check out my photos & leave a message, i am very grateful to you :-) i'm not exactly where i want to be in terms of drawing back from social media, but receiving random e-mails, guestbook messages, or posts on my site profile have been a very rewarding form of putting myself out there online (although in a very vulnerable way). i hope this next year holds a lot of growth (for you & myself) alongside me wiping my css file for the tenth time (i've done it nine times now, within 12 months).

i haven't much to update on my actual life these past few weeks; other than that i still feel nauseous kinda often, i'm moving out of my home state tomorrow, and change is imminent. though, it kinda always is.....

2024-10-26: emetophobia (2)

i have been needing to throw up for the past two days. i cannot get myself to do it.

i laugh as i look back at my first entry related to emetophobia, where i say "oh, i think i took a big stride today in overcoming it!" & now i'm backtracking more......

yesterday, i had to cancel my eye doctor appointment & have my dad pull over to the side of the road so that i didn't puke in the car. but it probably would have been better if i did because then it would have been over with. so now i'm just sitting here and i'm unable to talk because talking makes me want to puke and i can't eat anything at all........i don't know how to make myself throw up!

2024-10-20: comfort zone

everything feels very overwhelming lately. i try to not say too much within this digital diary because shouting into the internet abyss does nothing (& i feel like no one ever likes when someone brainlessly vents on social media instead of actually tackling their issues, which is something i'm definitely frequent to); yet, i also think there's no point in me having a diary if i censor myself. and if i'm trying to not take it out on others, i better write about it to try and organize how i feel.

i hate being a self-deprecating, self-loathing kind of person. i try to keep all of that to myself & tell little of it to my friends (and even to my family sometimes, but there's some moral obligation there for them to encourage me?), but it's something i can't really shake no matter how hard i try. self-love isn't something you figure out and master in one day, but it's just getting so old to hate myself. and there are things that i like about myself, so i guess i'm improving in that aspect.......still, there's so many negatives that i feel like outweigh the positives.

i could write an essay about body dysmorphia and how i view myself physically, but again, that's not the kind of thing you air out online (i guess). but i think mentally is a whole other train wreck

i've come to this conclusion that i really don't like my personality. i once described myself in an earlier entry (that i deleted) as "loud and infeminine" when i was going to school. that i was very unapologetic about the person that i was. with my friends now (if that's what i'm calling them), i'm the same way. i don't carry myself in the way that other women my age do and i'm painfully conscious of it. it's not a bad thing, and i'm not alone——there are tons of other women that i haven't met that probably deal with the same thing. maybe i feel so strongly about it, though, because i didn't appear feminine for a long time, either.......

i guess "loud and infeminine" are two words i don't really want to attribute to myself anymore. i guess what i'm saying is that i'm no longer comfortable being myself. i'm becoming aware that the people around me don't really like that.......that i am disruptive, short-tempered, and close-minded on certain subjects. that i am quick to form an opinion on others without considering much else. i'm tearful as i write it——i think i'm just so conflicted and i don't know what to make of any of it anymore......

am i letting myself get walked all over by being told that i should give people more of a chance, be more tolerant and respectful of people's differing views? am i right in that certain disconcerting and derogatory things shouldn't be said, even as a joke? am i wrong for having a reaction to that? i let it bother me a lot. my partner told me a long time ago that i shouldn't let shit bother me. i don't really know how to do that because everything matters to me.

but maybe it was that & knowing that i'm overly sensitive that makes me resent myself and my personality so. i am thinking i'm just not really built for this world. it doesn't help in making me feel any bit human than i'm already not. those questions i'm asking myself are the exact conflict i'm describing now; i don't even know what i want out of myself or what's supposed to be done. i'm socially inept and the only way to get over that is to socialize, but every time i do it, i just feel myself getting knocked down another peg.

i'm so unaware. i remember distinctly thinking after hanging out with AA & MM in-person before, "oh, something i said was kinda impolite. but i thought that was the normal thing to say so i said it. but it probably wasn't the right thing to say and it wasn't what i was really thinking anyways. i just wanted to be liked." or something like that. i'm so rude without realizing it. makes me wanna crawl in a hole

i want to live so that i can experience things. i like taking pictures, i like achieving goals that i've set for myself. i like that feeling. i like learning, i'm so proud of myself for how much better i am at math now. i like music. i like singing, but i haven't been able to do a lot of that lately even though it's all i want to do. i don't want to bother anyone. at the same time, among all of this, i don't want to live because i just don't think i'm ever going to be ready for the world or able to talk to people without resenting myself so much.

i guess one day my brain will develop and i'll be like "yeah i don't really hate myself that much." but i think i just can't help the way that i feel right now and i don't know how to reach out about it either. maybe that's a part of why i'm writing about it here. strangers are reading it; i'm not bugging anyone i know by saying all of this. you're all reading this by free will!!!

to end on a better note, i do have things i like about myself. it's not all-around annoying self-hatred self-loathing self-deprecation. i'm a great writer and i don't think i'll ever let that go. it's a skill i can genuinely use in every area of my life. i feel blessed, in a near-divine way, that it is something i have always loved and something i've always been so skilled at. i don't ever want to take that for granted.

2024-10-17: growing up

part of me feels like a joke, or like a touchy subject that none of my family members really want to broach. i'm sure i don't make it any easier by being as guarded as i am but i'm really having trouble connecting with my family and i'm starting to think that maybe i shouldn't try........things stress me out too easily & i find myself being more and more resentful. that isn't how i want to feel. i wish i could just go about becoming an adult on my own terms & that there was discipline within me that i could bring out right now! right right right now!!!!!!

and every time someone talks to me all cautiously i just feel naked. which is why i am thinking it would be better off to be left alone, so i could figure things out for myself. or maybe it's just this one family member that makes me feel all conscious and awful.......

.....she voices that she doesn't want to be a replacement to my mom and then speaks to me as if she is. and i feel so overwhelmed and upset from just nine hours at her house today that i can't imagine what the next two years will feel like. i wish i could just scramble my brain up like eggs and become a new person tomorrow that actually wanted to do things. maybe it's because i haven't taken wellbutrin in three days. it's because i had to put the pill bottle away and if i don't keep it out, i won't remember to take it. but i have to put it away because of house showings. i don't want to move. i want to stay very still

(an update from one week later: yes, it was because i wasn't taking my meds. lol)

2024-09-26: pulling

i woke up a little bit before 7AM and could not pull myself out of bed. i wanted to walk but i could not do it and i remembered that all the roads are really busy around 8:30AM so i decided sometime after that i could go walk. i started working on assignments and i have not stopped since......

i feel like i'm not retaining anything, i'm just getting the work done and trying to find some way to deal with all the heaviness & tightness in my brain that occurs after finishing it. i don't feel much of a sense of accomplishment when i complete something; it's more of a mix of relief & anxiety. relief in that "finally, i won't be upset anymore today thinking about this" and anxiety in that "what if i completely bombed this"

wowwww, it's like i'm a real college student.....

i just don't feel assured in any way. and i'm noticing that i'm a perfectionist lately, more than ever before, and very scared i'm going to disappoint myself if i don't reach this standard i've (for some reason) set. i feel like i'm not going to be ready when it's time to transfer and that's what's maybe causing me the most anxiety. that i'm still going to be mentally, physically, academically behind (and one could argue i'm not academically behind, but i really feel like i am.....)

and yea, there's truth in that "no one's really behind, it's not a race," but i'm talking about "when i'm a junior and i transfer into this four-year school with a bunch of other juniors who had two years of in-person experience, how am i gonna match up to them?"

i think about what returning to an in-person high school in my junior year was like. hahahaha and it feels like a bad omen that i'd be returning to an in-person college in my junior year, as well......like i'm trying to repeat history or something. but maybe these kinds of coincidences happen so that i can get a do-over.

i'm really excited to move, suddenly. i had this realization yesterday that my family & i moved here as a response to my mom's death; every memory i have built up of this town is a reaction of such. everything that happened in my junior year of high school happened in this town, and so has every failed friendship that i tried to cultivate when i saw moving here as an opportunity. that one hurts to think about so i'm not gonna think about that for long, lol........

but now it feels like we're moving because we want to be happy, not because we're trying to get away from being sad. i wonder if that makes any sense. that's what i'm making of it. maybe the reason why i feel so stagnant and heavy-headed is because my body is holding onto all of those things that made this town awful for me. i actually can't even name any good experiences that didn't turn out bad in the end. it's a nice neighborhood to take walks in, i suppose....

2024-09-25: pushing

i suppose i have to write one entry for september.......

things continue to be stressful & i have no way of knowing how to destress. seeking to get into sewing, don't have any way to do that until we're moved into the new house......which isn't until spring of next year. so now i sit on math & programming, trying to find a love for it but feeling drained in all that i don't know & all that i must learn. i'm trying to learn self-compassion & i know i'm doing well in preparing for the future, i just feel unsatisfied with where i am.

i need to go for a walk tomorrow

2024-08-26: if/else

i wonder how often i do things out of the interest of myself & what i like or out of the interest of other people perceiving it

2024-08-19: ten miles

feeling good and bad. better but worse. both at the same time. anxiety is at an all-time high because my head is just constantly ruminating about the future. everyone says "take it slow, everyone worries about this stuff, you're not alone," and things like that, but i think they are just saying that to be nice because they're also probably worrying just as much. why's everything gotta be built off of worrying?

i took a long walk today and i liked it. i almost kept going because i was just so bored and i really like thinking (when it's about good things). i'm still bored, so i might go out again.

i woke up with a lot of motivation, something that rarely happens and something that i hope remains consistent. because consistency is something i very much lack. i thought: "i'll probably be where i want to be in four months if i put the effort in now, so why not just do it?" and maybe it's not four months but it still applies. maybe it's six months or eight months. but "the time will pass anyways" so i might as well, right.....? i think waking up feeling a little hopeful was a step in the right direction.

i have a support system unlike any other these days, than i did maybe when i was sixteen.......i have people and many resources to help me through the bad times. who really knows? i think in about eight hours i'll be debating my existence all over again

we're moving away, and i think i've finally decided that i'm happy about it. and have also decided that the time to get my license is asap & that's probably the most pressing thing to me right now.........we're moving somewhere where it's still close to a city (though it's no chicago), while also being an hour away from the mountains. i am going to welcome the change & take it as a fresh start, i suppose.......

2024-08-01: atavan halen

the only thing worse than not knowing is you thinking that i don't know

2024-07-27: questionnaire

stayed up until late with a handful of friends (maybe seven people?), asking a lot of thought-provoking questions that i was reading off of a website and learning more about people i thought i'd never really learn more about. i took the time to write out some of my answers to these questions, because some were really good!

what's your favorite childhood memory?

i can't think of one specific occurrence to answer this question, so i answered "playing games with my brother." i feel every younger sibling has had a teaching moment with an older brother who plays video games; i think the very fondest moments of my entire childhood were sitting in the basement with my brother, playing on the wii or the xbox. left 4 dead is the most relevant choice i can think of among all the games we played, but there were some other ones like super mario galaxy/sunshine, MW2, BO2, happy wars, and all the lego games.

is it easy for you to accept help from other people?

i couldn't answer this question similarly to everyone else i was calling with; everyone said something along the lines of "yea, humans can only function with help from other people. most people are down to help others & no advancements would have ever been made without people asking for help." in my circumstance, i said, "yea, for the most part, i can let someone help me; it's never a matter of ego, but being a burden on someone." my thought process is that i have some problems that don't need to become other people's problems, i guess. my baggage doesn't need to become anyone else's baggage.

do you live by any particular mantra?

"say yes to the universe." my therapist told me this after i rattled off an array of what-ifs in her direction, and her response was to tell me to accept all opportunities no matter how much my brain wants to resist them. obviously, this mantra doesn't apply to everything........but it applied to my situation in that: how many opportunities have i missed out on because i let myself overthink the chance away? "say yes to the universe" and accepting what comes my way and embracing change has definitely made me a more whimsical person.

if you started a business, what would it be?

this is probably one of the best questions you could ask someone ever. i asked my friends and suddenly felt as if i knew them way better than i did thirty seconds before; everyone had a unique answer that was so befitting to them. my answer was nothing of the unexpected——a photography business. but not in the form of wedding/event/portrait photography that is usually the norm for this niche (& the only way photographers make a functional living); it really is my dream to get into entertainment and photojournalism.........but i think i have a crap ton of dreams. i think i just have a thing for documenting people & connections & stuff like that. but not in the superficial way that i feel wedding/event/portrait photography can appear

what is a skill you've always wanted to learn?

singing. i feel like every guitarist wants to learn how to sing and every singer wants to learn guitar. most of my friends' answers were also something along the lines of music/instruments.

if you have the opportunity to know the future, what would you want to know?

a question that ensued the very obvious, funny answers of "what would the big companies in the future be? i gotta know so i can invest in them now." everyone answered that they wouldn't want to know much about their future, maybe nothing at all. knowing too much would make them anxious. i answered that i would want to know everything and i think it made me reflect a lot on my thought process; i've always been a, "what if it's not worth it?" sort of person. i want to know exactly what's going to happen to determine if it's worth losing myself in the grind or whatever. my partner made a good point: "do you have the power to change your future after you see it or no?" i'm sure some answers would have been different had that been the prompt. but i think i'd want to know my future no matter what

what impresses you the most?

self-worth, self-respect. something like that. i think very strongly that the reason two human beings become attached to one another is because they see traits in the other person that they want to see in themselves. two people want to become better people so they seek what is in the other person. i see people who put effort into themselves and their skills and it is impressive. impressive on a level like, "wow, i wish i could do that," and impressive on a level like, "wow, i'm attracted to you." you know?

what's the toughest conversation you've ever had to have?

i didn't answer with what may seem the actual answer, i'm not even sure if my "actual answer" is the toughest conversation i've ever had to have. life is full of very tough conversations! my answer was five years ago, being told that there was a chance i could die from the treatment regime of a bone marrow illness i once had. obviously (somehow, and a story for another day?), i didn't die & i'm all good now, but i feel being told you could possibly die from the mouth of a doctor resonates a lot more than someone saying "yea, you'll die, everyone dies one day." a doctor's whole existence is to save lives! being told that there's maybe a chance there's nothing they could do was jarring; i remember sitting in a conference room next to my mom and my eyes blurring for a moment, all sound turned to static, even though it was a 5% chance. he outright said it was only a 5% chance——i was just like....wow! i think my physical reaction was what made the conversation so tough. i've never reacted like that to anything ever & it was a very vivid moment of my life.

those were just a handful. it went on for two hours anyways.

2024-07-22: symbols

i've felt so ambitious these past few days. i hope it sticks because i like the feeling. the black cat & the red cardinal.

i am happy

2024-06-10: coffee shop (2)

today, i finally went outside. probably a necessity for how rambunctious my brain has been as of recent but it only made me think harder and be more sad once the day was over with & my friend dropped me back off at home. we went to the coffee shop i used to work at in the morning. i got my favorite drink and i told my friend some things i don't really have the strength to say to anyone else. she has been a great friend since middle school. i said something along the lines today of "i'm glad we are where we are now because we were really weird in middle school." she laughed and she said she's glad we can finally say that about each other & said i looked a lot happier now than the last time we hung out. we are growing up.

maybe it was more difficult the last time we hung out because it was my first time seeing her in four years. but now i think we're trying to be a bit more regular. maybe. she's a college student, a good one at that, a good one who is thinking very hard about her future. i am too but with a little less glue holding me together. i'm a bit more existential & i don't know what it is about me that attracts tall lesbians in my circle of friends.

i saw my old boss at the coffee shop——the best person i could have maybe seen when i went there. i told her i could come back in passing and she just made a strange grimace/smile. she's always been very eccentric. she smiled and hugged me and said she loves seeing me with my camera. i love seeing me with my camera too.

after the coffee shop, we went from thrift store to thrift store. i bought clothes and got a little more uneasy about my body. it does a lot of work for me to keep me alive but it really annoys me most of the time. we got sushi and then frozen yogurt and i think it's murdering my gastrointestinal health as i write this. more thrift stores later and she dropped me off and said she wanted to hang out with me again and wander in the city. this is the only girl i've ever talked to and thought "i really want this person in my life for the rest of my life." as a friend, of course, really, because she's so judgment-free and we've known each other through so much. she's anxious and unfiltered and probably among a handful i would pick to go to a deserted island with.

i just want to be happy, i think. and i'm really scared of being sad

2024-06-04: coffee shop (1)

today was tough, maybe one of the toughest days of my life, which is interesting, you know. i've survived 100% of my bad days. i took a five-mile walk at noon, returned home, and suddenly became existential after my dad told me the likelihood of moving out of my state was nearing fruition & it would happen in october of this year. i thought i would have until next year. i took another walk, in which i actually began running, and then i started crying so i had to go back to walking. every realization hit like physical blows. i've had too many epiphanies today to be a safe human being. another five miles and i decided to start walking another two miles toward my old workplace, the coffee shop, even though there were no sidewalks on the way there and i had never made the walk before.

i made it there at sunset and continued to cry, during my walk and in the rocking chair on the porch. i knew the coffee shop was closed. i knew it was closed because it always closes at 3pm and i continue to be angry about it, such a stupidly early time, but i thought that maybe someone would still be there and maybe i could talk to them. whether it was my eccentric boss who definitely has a screw loose or the rude manager from the confectionery or the catholic barista, 42 years older than me, who feels so much like a mother even though we haven't spoken in so long.

that's when it really started to hurt. that's when it suddenly became an "i need my mom" moment and i was running away from my home to the one place where i knew women that reminded me of my mom. and i hoped that they were there and that they would sit in the rocking chair next to me but nobody was there and it was just me. i felt, really badly, that i just needed to cry to someone other than my dad. my dad wouldn't know what to say. he told me not to see everything as set-in-stone and not to worry so much but i am definitely worrying. i am worrying less about the idea of moving and more about the idea of growing up. the way that he told me he's in a different stage of life as me and shrugged off the idea of me going to college like it was normal. i guess it's normal but it doesn't feel really normal so i'm feeling overwhelmed

if i could summarize today's thoughts to a paragraph: i'm really weak and really immature. i can re-read little busters again but it won't coerce me into growing up. i'm not strong and i don't have the energy in me to want to live a really good life and work hard for it. i feel like my brain stopped progressing when my mom passed away and i've just been 14 forever (i am 19) and i'm watching everyone leave the state i live in and start living. but i don't want to start living. i just want to hide away and let it end. i didn't think i'd make it this far and i didn't prepare for it and i don't want to start preparing for it. i'm sad when i see my dad and my brother doing well because it feels like i was the one that got left behind in grieving and never properly healed. i spent too long in my life pretending like all the horrible things happening weren't actually happening and now it's crashing down on me because i'm forced to grow. i got sad thinking of leaving my state and leaving my childhood behind. this is just the premise to little busters, dude. tl;dr, summary of the summary: i could benefit from a therapist but i've gone through 8 of them now to no avail. so now i'm yelling my thoughts into the internet abyss.

don't worry (i think). i am safe and i'm not going to do anything drastic. just sad. sad and sulking so i feel like sludge today....

2024-05-26: tiramisu

i like taking recipes and adding things i like into them and i'm sure this isn't a very unique thing but it's probably unique to everyone. i was making hojicha tiramisu today, for a secondth time, which is already a bit strange in itself, maybe. hojicha instead of coffee. i added cinnamon into the marscapone and i thought, "wow, this is really such an aubrey thing. aubrey tiramisu. nobody else has probably had aubrey tiramisu." and there's probably a lot of tiramisus out there. or is it tiramisi, plural?

either way, i'm enjoying baking more again recently, which is nice, because i didn't for a long time. i'm the kind of person to cuss myself out in my head during baking. but when i'm making something easy, it's easier to not do that.

i get this feeling very often that my future will be spent alone. not that i won't have great friends, but that it's all they'll be: great friends. that i function so much better as a human by myself rather than in another's company. but maybe i only feel that way because it's been so long since i've had a really, really, really close friend in person. my childhood best friend lived two doors down from me and we both turned out queer. i had a memory today of tripping and falling on my knee from my scooter and yelling out her name from two houses over when i started bleeding. she came sprinting over. i think it's probably my fondest memory with her because even as a small-brained eight year old, i knew how important it was to her to tend to me. how important it was for her to run back to me when she heard me yell for her.

then i think about my mom texting me some time in seventh grade when i cut her off while walking to the bus stop. how i said nothing and remained stolid. and then i think of that same girl tearful at my mom's wake and giving me a hug. these days, i'm thinking it's less their fault that they didn't keep in contact with me (they = friends from middle school) after i got sick——it's a little more my fault for cutting off everyone. i had people checking up on me but i didn't make much of an effort either.

then again, it's not really my fault, either. i was tired all the time. i had no energy to upkeep the small handful that still checked up on me after three months.

i look back at my mom's journal that she kept back when i was sick and i realize, wow, i was really sick! and i was kind of a bitch. i guess all sick people get rude and bitter after a certain point. i was quite literally malding, so maybe i had a reason to be rude and bitter. but i like to think i'm not so rude and bitter any more, i'm just trying to figure out what to do now that i'm not rude and bitter. also, i was like fourteen, so i'm not gonna be hard on myself. hahahaha

but i hope, maybe, that i can trip and bleed from my knee again, and maybe deliver hojicha cinnamon tiramisu as a thank you......

2024-05-02: gloria

i said to a friend, "am i being annoying?" and she said, "no, but i wish i could turn your brain off for you so you get peace"

i cried a little because it was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. or maybe it's because i was listening to the katawa shoujo soundtrack as i read it & that always makes me emotional.

2024-04-24: someone new (2)

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BOYFRIEND????????????? I HAVE A WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????????

2024-04-22: japan return

hello. i am back from japan. so much to think about, too much for my brain that only got 2 hours of sleep on the 11 hour flight. but i fall back to routine pretty easily

having epiphanies on existential levels these days. good ones. i'm the kind of person to sit in silence and stare at the flight map on long flights, so lots of thinking gets done. i think life's okay and i'm in a good headspace finally. i'm happy to just exist and be on earth at the same time as people who value me and people that i value. i have been talking with someone very special recently, an experience that is a bit new and foreign to me.....leaving japan was sad but i had someone to look forward to when i got home.

and it all goes back to little busters in the end. i hate thinking about my future. i hate not knowing what's going to happen & knowing that many things are simply out of my control. i hate thinking about my career and i hate thinking about how to make money. i hate school, no matter if i'm decent at it, and i don't think i can ever bring myself to enjoy it. but it all goes back to little busters in that none of this really matters and what actually matters are all the connections i make in this lifetime

i only have one of those (lifetimes, i mean) and it's nice to spend it with the people i love. i love having fun and weird encounters. i've decided that's probably what i'm going to seek forever——connections. humans were made to be with other humans blah blah blah

i need to go back to japan with my friend from middle school who constantly recalls me slamming my head on my desk for no reason in seventh grade spanish class. we need to see the things we didn't see and do the things we didn't do. i need to meet people from across the world like in bali. what a special time in my life. i think of my latvian friend way more than she thinks of me, probably.

but at the same time, i'm so introverted and i've really noticed it while traveling. maybe it was the sleep deprivation but the person in the aisle seat was trying to strike up a conversation with me on the plane, but i couldn't even process what she was saying or what to respond with. or maybe it was the subject at hand. she asked me if i was in college. i looked at her and shook my head. well, why did i do that? i'm in college. she was like, oh, so you're in high school? i blanked out completely. no, i'm not in high school, i'm in college. but my friend, sitting beside me in the window seat, isn't in college. so what do i say? the person in the aisle seat said something about her daughter also being in college and commented on how young my friend and i look. i put my headphones back on because i was just in disbelief at myself for such horrid responses. but maybe i shouldn't be so hard on myself because that was me, groggy, after 11 hours of deluging myself with my brain (endless thinking).

but there were so many moments where a person was striking up something akin to a conversation with me and my friend had to step in because i kept stammering or not knowing what to say and spacing out. again, maybe it was an environment thing. maybe i was just really freaking overwhelmed. my friend made the same joke a few times of calling me a baby. i feel like a dysfunctional human being. like something went wrong when they tried making me a normal human. i'm not saying this with negative connotation, either, i'm just awkward and that's about it.......i feel like yumemi from planetarian, who says, "yes, i'm just a little broken." that was a really good visual novel.

moral of the story? i'm happy to be home. i'm happy to have meaningful connections in my life. i want to make more, forever. i'm anxious about being an awkward person. i'm anxious about my future. i don't think there's a person on the planet who isn't anxious about their future. so i'm probably not as dysfunctional as i think.

honestly, i just think too much. like way too much. and that's probably why i space out and stammer so much in face-to-face conversation. i think too hard about what i'm saying and if it makes sense or if it aligns with who i am or if it's something i want to share with another person or if it's appropriate for the conversation. i think faster than i can talk (this happened a lot at the coffee shop). i should start meditating fr

2024-04-01: freedom!!!

april. 15 days until i am 19 and 9 days until i am in japan. i think my dad is happy that i'm happy again.

and of course when i write that, i get a very somber feeling out of nowhere. i need to continue scrapbooking. i just need to continue with my hobbies, no matter how much joy they suck out of me. i'm sitting with clip studio paint open trying to make my awkward hands move correctly, i seriously feel like once i lost any motivation to be creative (as in making characters), i just completely lost my ability to draw. i think the understanding that i am not as good of an artist as i used to be settled in long ago, but i'm still upset about it. it was a good and healthy hobby. i turned off my brain and could go at it for hours at a time. i miss that but it doesn't feel the same anymore. but i think that's fine.

the mindset as of recent (the mindset changes everyday): embrace change instead of rejecting it. i think i already knew that, but it's fine that i'm not as good as drawing anymore. i never wanted to make it my career. i can have a hobby as a hobby. but i still feel a little downcast despite that. it's fine, it's fine!!!! i need a good emo album to listen to. that'll help

i suddenly recalled something a friend said to me about two or three months ago. i genuinely thought depression was a lifelong thing. like once you get it, you just have it, that's life. they were like, "no, it's not, depression can go away completely." i was like, damn! i don't have to care that much!

on that note, i'm feeling like i'm getting out of that four month long depressive episode. it felt more intense than normal. i don't know what "normal" is or why depressive episodes happening suddenly became a normal, i'm assuming i'm just one of those people that gets insanely ridiculous seasonal depression. i get sad that i can't take stupid walks outside so i feel like the entire world is crashing down for several months. come to think of it, all the times i've felt my very worst were at the end of every year (at least for the past five years). but maybe it felt more "intense" than "normal" because i was letting myself feel those emotions a bit more strongly and i was talking to my dad more than ever before.

which makes me grateful, still, because sometimes i get scared we're not close enough. past few years have been rough on both of us but he's one of my favorite people ever. which is kinda funny. not to air out his business, but he's a real paranoid person, so the fact that he knows how to calm me down better than anyone is interesting. because he's the kind of guy to start tweaking out over some really itty bitty shit. i think this is probably why i'm a paranoid person too

2024-03-23: someone new (1)

it's been a very nice past few days, albeit i am staying up very late. making new friends and connections is so special. sharing the things i love and enjoying the things that they love is so special.

the only thing that is guaranteed in my life is my own life. i will be me forever. i think, earlier, i said i didn't really want to deal with me for the rest of my life. or maybe i wrote that in my physical journal. but maybe i just don't care now and it's fine and i'm feeling better. embrace you who are and not what you aren't. the time will pass anyways. i've survived 100% of my bad days. i am my only limit (this is so wittgenstein). my story will help someone one day. i actually didn't like my last therapist at all but she really rewired my brain by saying that. my story WILL help someone. i would like to give someone hope even if just a little.

what that all means is that i'm hating myself a little less. i have lived through some hell so of course i will look a little bit like hell. but again, i do hate myself a little less. i had a realization about two days ago that had me talking to myself for about thirty minutes straight like i was talking to a camera (this is what i mean by i think my story will help someone one day, because there's no way i don't make a youtube channel at some point, right? i talk to myself all the time. i like to think this is a healthy habit for reflection): self-improvement content is all such a scam. i got addicted to the idea of changing myself and my impressionable little mind made me think my value was lesser than other humans. i think this is what everyone means by me being too hard on myself.

that i fight with myself everyday, that i "shit on myself" (that's what AA said), that i "put too much pressure on myself" (that's what my dad said). it's okay to have expectations for yourself but i actually think trying to "improve myself" completely and utterly ruined me. there was nothing ever wrong with me but there was also no harm in wanting to be better. but i tripped my brain out into thinking there was something wrong with me. there is. i have some mental health problems. it's no surprise, i think. but everyone has those so it's fine and i'll just try to be a little better every day

2024-03-20: snoozefest

my dad said to me today "embrace who you are and not what you aren't"

and also "i can tell you're struggling." i don't like that it's only me who can make change when all i want to do is not be alive. that sounds bad. i'm not going to kill myself. the thing i want to do very most is never think again and never move again and sit completely completely still......

i've been trying to journal more in-depth thoughts physically. i wish i was one of those people where journalling helped. i feel worse. i feel worse being able to make my thoughts tangible on paper because it just reiterates how screwed up everything is and how much effort it's going to take to get me out of there. i want someone to tell me that they won't turn their back on me no matter what happens and that they will work with me to become better. a lot of people love me and that's nice because not everyone has that. i'm sure there are many people in my life who would say that to me. i want someone to say those things to me and for me to care, in that case. because i don't really care about anything anymore

jeeeeesus! you're a snoozefest, bro!

2024-03-12: brain suicide

i had a really tough night. i think it's because i forgot to take melatonin.

i'm just not going to care for today. i don't want to be upset about stupid things

the mentality as of recent: focus on yourself. everyone is dealing with their own stuff, so focus on yourself. mind your business. work on you. and i don't mean this in a "be selfish, put yourself first, don't care about what anyone says," but instead "just worry about what you're dealing with and i'll worry about what i'm dealing with." you know? i don't want to let other people's feelings influence me in the wrong direction. i told my dad i don't want to do comp sci. so now we're thinking of getting our real estate licenses together. but that would also mean i have to get a drivers license

how do you get over a fear of driving? answer: exposure therapy. so i have to do it. at some point

anyways, again, no caring today. none at all

2024-02-08: soreness

i feel like i've had a sore throat for the past week. at least, every time i wake up. i've booked my japan trip. i'm sorta kinda thrilled?

i've been in a rut for years. the last time i think i was a really happy person was in sixth grade——and i don't say this as "poor me" but as in "i don't remember what that feels like?"

and i'm curious if life is supposed to always feel like this, where my shoulders are sore and heavy every time i wake up (perhaps i should start sleeping in a futon?) and i'm just stuck on always beating myself up and wanting to get better. i can't wait for my twenties. i can't wait for the moment my prefrontal cortex just snaps into place and i'm like "holy shit! life is FOR REAL! i'm digging it!"

my dad tells me my twenties are going to be good. i'll put my trust in him for now

2024-02-08: emetophobia (1)

my one year and 3 months streak of not throwing up has broken today. i'm literally not sure at all what caused it. but i think i took a big stride today in overcoming my emetophobia (pretending like i didn't lay in bed for 3 hours trying to will it away)

that's today's exciting occurrence

2024-01-01: new years

it's hard to start anew. i guess i have to do so anyways.

i did nothing worth my time today. i will stop seeing things as "resolutions" or "goals" and just see them as "things i eventually hope to do." i'm not on a time crunch. getting things done quicker would make me so much more happier, but i really do have so much time. it's really hard to do some of the things that i want to do.

other than that, thank you 2023 for what you brought.......the special year where i turned 18 years old. it's weird to think that i turn 19 this year and then 20 the next. time does move fast. but i'm not on a time crunch in the end. here's to another year of loving valorant and little busters, to losing my mind over the small things, to pretending i am aloof and ominous when i am so impassioned and cautious, to writing silly stories and drawing silly pictures as long as the thought doesn't kill me, and to starting college when i thought i never would.

summarized goals for 2024: just be healthy and do what i think is right. get a therapist. make some videos. make things. no matter what.