→ thoughts on the afterlife?

i haven't ruminated on this particularly long so i don't know if what i have to say is any bit interesting. i decided to look up what other people's definitions of the afterlife were and if i shared any similar thoughts to those that described the afterlife; i think i've settled my thoughts on the afterlife being eternal sleep with a few slips into consciousness.

(if i'm being dramatic, that is. i think the realist in me just thinks we're forever sleeping when we die and that's about it and the afterlife doesn't really exist)

but in july of this year (see entry: symbols in diary) i was taking a walk in my old neighborhood and saw a black cat crossing to a backyard. when i went home, i saw a red cardinal in my own backyard. it reminded me of a time my dad & i both saw a cardinal in the backyard (at an older house) back in 2020, and i remember him turning to me and asking if it meant that a loved one was visiting us.

we searched it up and that was what it had meant. this was only a few months after my mom passed away. i saw the red cardinal as her way of visiting me since that was what most people thought of red cardinals. but when i saw the black cat and the red cardinal in the same day in this past year, i was like, "wow. that's pretty cool." it was maybe my mom visiting me and letting me know i am protected, at a time in my life that felt very uncertain.

that's my dramatic answer. dead people are asleep and wake up every now-and-then to check up on us, or give us a sign that we're there. but it's more than likely we're just reading in too deeply to random occasional occurrences to cope a little harder. i also think the law of conservation of energy is pretty legit——that energy doesn't just go away, right? i guess my one other thought on the afterlife has to do with fall out boy's "saturday"——i've read about the afterlife but i've never really lived.

→ what do you most often cook?

probably eggs. i'm not very good at cooking. i enjoy baking a lot more. but i like my eggs any way & with anything. also, lately, turkey burgers! (i'm trying to eat more protein)

→ does your photography influence how you approach your website at all?

maybe a little bit? i go a little crazy if things don't "match," so i've always felt the need to go with something minimalistic or black/white so that i don't feel the need to edit all of my photos to fit a certain theme of the site. i think one example of this holding true is how my second layout used to look; i had every photo on the website use the same filter. yeah. i don't want to bother with that anymore so, now, every time i change this site up, i just go with a white background and black text. or something to that effect.

but i don't think my photos play a huge role in the site's appearance. i just always make sure there's a place for them.

→ favorite childhood media?

left 4 dead and austin & ally. two drastically different picks. left 4 dead is my favorite video game of all time, but simply for memories' sake; i would stay up far too late with my brother in the basement, playing left 4 dead on the xbox 360, falling asleep in between the cushions of the couch (rather than on the cushions themselves?). as for austin & ally, i just think the four main characters are some of the best-written characters ever created. ever. that show carries my human existence...i think the entirety of my humor has its roots in austin & ally. a real timeless show.

→ favorite pastry?

morning glory muffin. chocolate chip banana bread?

→ do you often remember your dreams?

if the dream left me rattled when i woke up, i'll more than likely remember it. i've had this one recurring nightmare over the past few years, and a new recurring nightmare over the past few months.

the first one (the one i've had for years) includes my cats (i had two cats, one of them passed in 2022, but i still dream about him when i have this nightmare?) escaping from my house. i think the scary part of the dream isn't the cats actually escaping, but my strange reaction i always have at the end of the dream——i'm always collapsing to the ground and screaming and crying when it happens. i wake up super rattled every single time purely because of this.

the other recurring nightmare, more recently, is me in the car with my dad. he's driving, and the dream always ends with either us crashing or us drowning in water. in the car. i don't really understand it, but those are two particular dreams i remember...it's usually the nonsensical ones that are memorable. but i think it's cool to say something like, "yup, i have recurring nightmares, heh...." like, doesn't that make me sound so dark and mysterious?

i've kept (short-term) dream journals over the years, so there are also those dreams i remember. some i forget. but the forgettable ones aren't probably worth it to remember anyways?

→ when will you read umineko?

i have it downloaded, i read the first 30 minutes. i haven't continued since & knowing it's like 120 hours long scares me. i call this the "aubrey effect"; starting a visual novel and reading for an hour, then stalling it for an entire year until i eventually go back to it. a list of visual novels i've done this with:

- umineko

- higurashi

- fmd muramasa

- rewrite (i actually picked this one up again recently)

- euphoria

- steins;gate

- da capo 3 R

- the fruit of grisaia

- yosuga no sora

- tsukihime

so maybe i'm actually not that good at this vn reading stuff

→ what scent do you think brings you the most comfort?

i have a terrible sense of smell. i had to think about this for a little bit. it's either maple syrup (i guess i just really like breakfast) or my mom's old perfume: pleasures, estee lauder.

→ if you had an rpg companion for an adventure, who would you choose?

kyousuke natsume from little busters.

→ what does 410 mean?

"410" is the number of the bus route in the first visual novel i read back in 2018, everlasting summer. the entire premise is that this guy goes onto a bus and gets transported to an 80s soviet pioneer camp; it's not a very good visual novel but the number became iconic to me in time.

i kept noticing "410" everywhere after reading everlasting summer. my eyes became naturally drawn to it & now it's the number most prevalent in my life. i use it for usernames on everything &, of course, the URL for my website.

it's nice to have used "410" as a symbol for myself for so long——i was 13 when i first read the story, and i have friends who still reach out to me now-and-then whenever they see the number. it's made me a little protective of the number. like, that's my number, you know!

→ do you have a favorite sport?

i read this question out loud to some friends when i first saw it. i didn't know if most people had a "favorite sport" or not. i used to do basketball and cross country growing up, so i definitely like those two a bit. i think figure skating is one of the coolest sports ever. i enjoy watching it & i would love to learn how to figure skate one day. so that can be my answer :-)

→ which type of juice do you prefer?

i drink water religiously, not much of a flavored drink fan. i can indulge from time-to-time but some flavored drinks just feel really heavy on my stomach. i flew qatar airways once & they were offering mango juice; 23 hours in the air had me curious.

my curiosity was rewarded and i now try to get mango juice every time i'm on a plane (which isn't super often). i suppose i prefer mango juice.

→ if you had to describe yourself with three words, what words would you choose?

- resilient

- bitter

- together